The Laughing Policeman; with him or at him?

When you’re writing contemporary fiction it’s important to keep things…well, contemporary. Now at first glance this statement doesn’t seem like rocket science (or should that be shuttle science?) but keeping your book fresh ain’t as straight forward as you might think. Things change fast these days; slang, attitudes, society in general I guess and if you’re not careful it’s easy to work up a piece that you think is current and relevant only for it to become passé and clichéd before it hits the editors desk. Take one aspect of UK culture as an example: the good ol’ British bobby. Don’t get me wrong, I think the coppers do a cracking job but I was under the impression (I guess from the days when I was hanging on street corners) that their attitude, towards youth in particular, was still authoritative and one which demands respect. Apparently it isn’t. I was watching the box last night (camera crew following a various policemen going about their business in London) and was amazed at how naff community policing had become. Policemen chatting casually with gangs of under age drinkers on the very same streets they should be keeping safe. Policemen using words like ‘dude’ and ‘chill’ instead of ‘you’re nicked’. Policemen swearing and lighting cigarettes for 15 year old girls. And as the kids realised that these friendly, laughable policemen were more concerned with looking cool than doing their job, you could see the respect drain away. I’m just glad that I didn’t involve the coppers in the story line of Recycling Jimmy….I would have been so wide of the mark.

The original superstar?

Revelling in the after glow of a magnificent ManU victory last night, I was flicking through the channels looking for something to wind down to. Came a across a program looking at celebrity religion (kabbalah, scientology, P Diddy with $7MM diamond encrusted crucifixes etc) and yes, I know most of this is history now, but it did make me think about what is really going on here. Okay, I am not a religious person but I do try and respect other people’s views. So what is it about a celebrity that makes them think they can hijack someone’s religion in the name of cool? More to the point, what gives them the right to stamp their personal brand all over it? Okay, Kabbalah might be represented by only a piece of red string (that retails at about $26 a length by the way) but why does Madonna feel it necessary to build a Kabbalah hotel? And as for Kanye West (or is it Jesus Christ, I can never remember; they’re so similar aren’t they?) the less said the better. There are more examples but I won’t go on, suffice to say that these people are truly missing the point. I mean, if we look at JC for example, he was surely one of the biggest celeb’s of his day, and in a very competitive market too. Imagine if T shirt’s had been around then? He’d have cleaned up. Don’t the modern day celeb’s realise that daubing themselves with 2000 year old icons isn’t cool, it’s both naff and disrespectful to those who truly understand what their religion is about.

Egg on your face Mr Tesco

I see Tesco’s have been named and shamed (winners of the ‘Bad Egg Award’ apparently) for not removing battery hen eggs from their shelves. In accepting the award they reminded the Compassion In World Farming group that ‘Tesco’s always listen to customers and many of them tell us they are on a tight budget and rely on us to provide affordable good quality food.’ Excuse me but what the hell has that statement got to do with cramming chickens into ridiculously small cages and squeezing eggs out of them? Do Tesco’s honestly believe that anything is acceptable in the name of consumer choice? Anyway, thought I’d nip down to the local store and check out the price difference (needed some milk anyway) and bugger me, it’s big. You get about 150% more bang for your buck. Still, not sure that even poor people agree that you can’t make an omelet without imprisoning chickens ‘til they die. Personally, I reckon that Tesco’s should take another look at this and do their bit to shut the battery farm industry down, not just because its bad but because if nothing else their failure to do so highlights an arrogant disregard for public opinion as well as (and perhaps more ridiculously) a strategic blunder. Has nobody told the CEO that UK battery farms are going to be shut down by 2012??

Snakes on a plane

Imagine you’re cabin crew and a bloke refuses to take his seat for take off. You have no choice but to throw him off the plane in the name of passenger safety right? Now, imagine you’re orthadox Jew and it just so happens that your god demands that you stand near the toilet and pray to him at exactly the same time as the plane you’re on has to taxi. Your god’s a higher authority than the airline yeah? His word holds more weight than the young kid demonstrating how to put a life jacket on and pointing to the emergency exits doesn’t it? Stand off. But this isn’t about the god vs United Airlines, this is about two people who are both suffering from severe OCD. Each is compelled to obey the rules that they’ve been indoctrinate with. The Jewish bloke should have had enough common sense to realise his god would probably understand that, as part of society, he may have to cut his prayers short every now and then, for example whilst he sat down and buckled up. Similarly, it isn’t beyond reason for the cabin crew to appreciate that the bloke will be done praying long before they reach the start of the runway and that he isn’t going to die because he’s stood up while the plane trundles around at 25 mile an hour. Personally, I think the pair of ‘em should have been thrown off the plane; preferably at 30,000 feet (with the life jacket on ofcourse).

Recycling Jimmy

Please, no more romcom!!

So, yet another romcom hits the big screen. Something about 27 dresses this time but I guarantee you it will be the same old crap with too many flaws to mention…but I’ll have a go. There’ll be the lonely, vulnerable girl; beautiful, intelligent, fully cashed up with daddy’s fortune. In other words, a bloke’s dream catch. So why the hell hasn’t she got a boyfriend already? It’s not as if she’s chosen to be single or is particularly career driven. She’ll work in a cafe or a video store and spend all day moaning about how ‘there’ll never be anyone for me’. The whole thing would be so much more believable (dare I say romantic?) if the lead lady was ugly, genuinely stupid and had actually tried to get a boyfriend before. Enter the bloke. He’s easy to spot. Good looking (but not dashing) innocently naïve, skint and on a run of bad luck that would make the bloke carrying the Olympic torch through Tibet feel wanted. He’ll cry a lot too (not the torch carrier…although we’ll see about that), usually about something she reminds him of. It’s a complete mismatch for Christ sake! And the story will never gain credibility because the plot will be transparent, the dialogue mush and the humor infantile. When are film makers going to realise that we can only watch what we’re given? Forcing us out on first dates to watch sloppy, ill thought out tripe just isn’t fair. Give us a choice once in a while. You could do a lot worse than to develop screenplays from edgy, original stuff like Recycling Jimmy, The Game or Truth or Bare. There is no excuse; the materials all out there.

Horne…one sick mother of that there can be no doubt but aside from the uncomfortable fact that UK citizens once more find themselves bending over backwards (no doubt digging into tax payers funds too) and being asked to tolerate a beast in their midst, something else is wrong here. Exactly when was it decided that Australia could start shipping criminals to us?

On a completely unrelated topic, the lads side of the debate closes today over on ‘Women Won’t Win’. Any late comments/opinions much appreciated. Ta

What does it take to make a girl happy?

Heather Mills eh, what a girl. ‘Nuff said….well almost. I mean, Sir Paul MCcartney must surely have been one of the most ‘romantic’ geysers on the planet. Imagine being woken up every morning girls by the chubby faced scouser’s soft tones, as he sits on the edge of the bed grinning and strumming away? And I mean his guitar! But no, in the end it all came down to money, as it always does. And there may be a clue here to what ‘romance’ actually is; a litmus test for how much a potential partner is prepared to give. Be honest, what’s romantic about train stations and wind swept hill tops? Absolutely no appeal what so ever apart from one thing: women know that if a bloke is prepared to stand in the pissing rain and wait for hours on end just to see you, then the chances are that somewhere down the line he’ll shell out for a big shiny rock. That’s what romance may be. A litmus test of a blokes potential and Macca had buckets of it.